I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
