I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
