I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
