there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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