thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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