I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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