I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
