running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
