Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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