Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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