your room smells of hookers.
And success
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
