saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
