You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
