I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
