I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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