I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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