it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
