Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
