...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
