He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my being single is dangerous.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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