I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
