Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize