Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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