She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
