luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
