Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
