im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
