Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
