let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
