Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
