everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
