I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
