do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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