Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
