you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
