Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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