dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
