you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
