I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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