we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
