today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
