She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
