Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
