I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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