I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
