You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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