Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
