My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
