I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
