Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
