How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
