dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
