I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize