My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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