its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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