just tell him i said nine months
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
