She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
