Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
