dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
