Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
