I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
