This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
