dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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