I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
